Results tagged ‘ Julio Lugo stinks ’
Free taco count: 5
2. Craig Sager better pack up his jackets because we’re going to Tampa!
3. I really like the Sox gameplan last night. Pretend like you stink for 7 innings, get down 7 to 0, make the Rays taste the champagne, and then crush their morale.
4. I think it’s fair to say that this series is over. Bring on the Phillies!
5. Those Phillies’ execs in the stands scouting the Rays can rip up their notes. Those won’t be on the exam.
6. It seems to be against logic, but you just have to accept the fact that Dice-K does not lose. Ever. No matter how may men he puts on base, no matter how many runs he gives up. Just accept it and move on.
7. We’re shipping up to Tampa!
8. It’s like night and Ray.
Play hard. Feast hard.
So I gave my buddy Lugo a call the other day to see what he’s been doing in his spare time on the DL. Unfortunately, he didn’t answer my call, perhaps because he saw “Big Pupi” on his caller ID and thought I was going to heckle him. Or maybe my call didn’t go through because I was trying to call him from a stuffed dog toy. Either way, I think I have a pretty good idea of what Lugo’s been up to:
1. Furiously sticking pins in a Jed Lowrie voodoo doll (it’s not working, Lugo)
2. Trying to get a spot on the Dominican Republic women’s gymnastics team (although the right weight, Lugo is not flexible enough)
3. Consistently blowing it in clutch situations around the house, such as failing to make it to the stove before the water boils over
4. Bobbling his breakfast, resulting in broken eggs all over the floor
5. Collecting his $9 million dollar paycheck
6. Letting Manny fly off the handle and get traded because he wasn’t around to keep Manny in line
7. Searching for his long lost little brother Ruddy Lugo- Julio finds Ruddy pitching for Triple-A New Orleans and goes down to see him, but like a routine grounder, Julio just misses Ruddy as he is called up to the Mets because Billy Wagner is injured
8. Throwing a Frisbee to his dog, not reaching his dog with Frisbee
9. Going to counseling for anorexia
10. Watching “So You Think You Can Dance?”
Just a quick note that the Boston Herald reported today that a source indicated that the Red Sox are talking to teams about upgrading at shortstop. Yay! Trade Julio Lugo!! In fact, even if these talks break-down, we should just cut Lugo and replace him at SS with a cardboard cutout of Orlando Cabrera. Then at least we won’t have to watch Lugo bat. The cardboard Cabrera would also make less errors.
The trade deadline is coming up in 6 weeks and Julio Lugo is on the meat chopping block. Lugo has 15 RBIs, half of which came on sacrifices. He has got to go. Ever since minor leaguer John Odom was traded for 10 maple wood bats, I’ve been thinking about some cool stuff the Red Sox could get for Lugo. Here’s my list of things we should trade Julio Lugo for:
-Some pants that fit Manny
-A Lightweight Stalker .270 Winchester hunting rifle for Mike Timlin
-New necklaces for Dustin Pedroia
-A log of Copenhagen for Tito
-10 loaves of Yaz Bread
-A bucket of KFC Smoky Chipotle Crispy for Kevin Millar
-A bucket of KFC Smoky Chipotle Crispy for me (I should be compensated for having to watch Lugo play SS for this long!)
-Beer for everyone in the bleachers (Other Red Sox fans should be compensated too)
-A petting zoo for the bullpen
-Chuck E. Cheese gift certificates
-12 boxes of Bazooka Joe
-10 Mo-Licious sandwiches for David Ortiz
-Liposuction for Bartolo Colon
-Vocab lessons for RemDawg
That’s some pretty good stuff that we could get for Lugo! Let me know if anyone else has ideas and I will submit the final list to Theo by the trade deadline.
- Bartolo Colon will make his Red Sox pitching debut on Wednesday. The Sox caterers better remember to bring about a dozen extra pork chops for the post-game feast. Colon has the biggest appetite of a Red Sox pitcher since David Wells. I think I’m going to like this guy.
Ok, so I’ve been bashing Julio Lugo pretty hard despite the fact he’s out with a head injury. So I promise to lay off the guy for the time being. That is, after this week’s jokes:
I know I have been Lugo-bashing ever since Lugo joined the Sox. People have told me to lay off Julio and I’ve thought about taking their advice until his debacle last night. I’m okay with the guy being an automatic out, but when he starts losing games for us, that’s when I draw the line. Earth to Tito, cut this guy. Is Alex Cora still on the DL? Can’t Lowrie play SS? Julio Lugo is the worst player to put on a Red Sox uniform since Tony Graffanino. That’s right, Tony Graffanino. Guess what Lugo’s RBI to error ratio is. 8 RBIs to 10 errors to $9 million in salary. I’ve started to use the word “Lugo” as a verb. Check it out and join in if you want:
Lugoed \LOO-go-ed\, verb:
1. To stink in an extraordinary manner
I have to tell you that my mind is blown worse than Julio Lugo’s
fielding that cost us tonight’s game. So last Saturday morning I was
hanging out in my apartment getting ready to go to the Polish Parade
when I heard some banging on my 5th floor apartment window. My brother
and I went over to check it out and to my amazement there was a
human-like creature scaling my building. I mean this guy was flying
like Paul Byrd hopped-up on HgH. If you don’t believe me, check out this evidence of my brother scoping out the scene:
anybody sees this weird breed of flying humans in their neighborhood,
please contact me immediately. I would be very interested to know how
this guy may have gained his flying ability, as it would be quite
useful to me in hunting birds. I’m pretty sure I’d be Mike Timlin’s #1
hunting partner if I could fly and bite birds out of the sky.
The Sox have a day off and I hope Tito and company are giving some long, hard thought to their Toronto debacle. Here’s my thoughts on the situation:
1. Why doesn’t Tito just let his starters pitch? Beckett is a beast and he gets into one jam with 2 outs and 95 pitches and Tito pulls him? Just in time for Delcarmen to come in and serve Frank Thomas a delicious veal parm grinder on the first pitch. They don’t call him The Big Hurt because it hurts when he sits on your tail, even though it does. Keep Beckett in! He’s hunted deer bigger than The Big Hurt no problem. I wanted to bite Tito’s ankles when he gave Beckett the hook.
2. Kyle Snyder is designated for assignment? Seriously? This makes as much sense as acquiring Sean Casey. My fellow Texan Kyle Snyder (3.81 ERA in 54.1 innings in 2007) has been nothing but a stand-up mop-up man since coming to the Red Sox after being designated for assignment by the Royals. Why not send Bryan Corey and his 11.25 ERA southbound 95 to make room for Beckett. Corey is going to Pawtucket anyway when Timlin recovers from his hunting injury. There is no need to cut guys. Let things play out until Timlin comes back. Who knows, someone could get injured in the meantime. Manny could break a dreadlock or Julio Lugo could throw his arm out trying to get the ball to first.
3. Speaking of Lugo, someone needs to feed this guy. He weighs 87 pounds and is too feeble to throw a ball from shortstop to first. If he needs some help building muscle, I could introduce him to the Bones and Raw Food Diet. Kevin Millar eats it and he’s batting .389.
Recently, I was hunting squirrels while tied around the waist of my human and I cut the pad of one of my paws on some gravel, putting me on the DL. I’m mad that I can’t go hunting for a couple days, especially since yesterday was the first nice day of the year in Chicago. However, it’s cool to have an injury much like Mike Timlin’s contusion on his right index finger, which he also suffered while hunting. Just wanted to let everyone know, in case you have me on your Fantasy Team or something. Even though I’m on the DL, I’m still better than Julio Lugo (0-4, 3 errors today).