Results tagged ‘ Ballpark Food ’
Since I’m a man of few words, I’ll be slinging one-line zingers and real-time Sox updates on Twitter for the rest of the season. Check me out http://twitter.com/bigpupi
Lucky for Lugo that Millar was weighed down from eating so many buckets of the new KFC Smoky Chipotle Crispy! Since it’s late on Friday, I’ve been drinking a little too much from the toilet so I’m getting my human to type this for me: Last call for all Red Sox dogs who want to join me in my wager against Yankee dog MacKenzie over at Barkability. I’ve already assembled a rag-tag group of animals to take down Yankee Dog Universe and I could use your help too so drop me a comment!
Hey dogs! Sorry I have written in a while, but I have been one busy boy. Eating raw meat (BARF diet) has been taking up the majority of my time, then following my NCAA bracket, the Celtics, Tiger Woods, NASCAR, and still crying a little about the Patriots. The UConn Huskies busted my bracket, which I picked all dog teams to win. Georgia and Georgetown didn’t help either. But yesterday, I woke up to go mark my territory and I saw that the Sox were on at like 6 in the morn. That’s when I realized it was Opening Day and I better clear my schedule, sit down with a raw femur bone, and start focusing on the things that really matter, like what David Ortiz is eating in Japan. So here it goes:
- If you woke up early, you may have noticed that I’m not playing SS for the Red Sox. I did go to Ft. Myers this spring to try to steal stinky Julio Lugo’s spot, but Tito told me I couldn’t play because my strike zone is .7 square centimeters. I was like “Tito, just bat me before Big Papi. I’ll walk every time and he can drive me in”. But Tito told me that was unethical, which I don’t quite understand because I thought that’s how you win championships- taping the Ram’s practice (Bill Belichick), losing on purpose so you get traded to a good team (Kevin Garnett), driving with your gas cap off (Carl Edwards). I mean, you do what it takes to win. So when Lugo leaves runners in scoring position every time he’s up, don’t blame me.
- It’s Opening Day and the Manny bashing has already started. Ridiculous. How many walk-off homers does Manny need to hit before the media gets off his oblique? Manny’s job is to hit the cover off the ball and turn pitchers into belly-itchers. Manny is doing his job. Go pick on someone who isn’t doing his job, such as Arlen Specter.
- The biggest game of the year- Kansas City Royals at Chicago White Sox, June 5th 2008. This game has Playoff implications and I will be there feasting on hot dogs with hundreds of other dogs. If they won’t let me into Fenway, I just may become a White Sox fan. Well no, but I will eat their hot dogs.
Bark at you later,
Today, Bartolo Colon arrived at Sox camp ready to eat. I can’t believe no one else wanted to sign this guy for only 1.2 million for 1 year, plus the cost of food. I guess they couldn’t afford the cost of food. Well, luckily the Red Sox are rich because I like this acquisition, especially if the Sox get into some sort of hot dog eating contest to settle a tied rain-shortened game or something.
I’m even thinking of replacing David Wells with Colon at pitcher on my All-Time Red Sox Greatest Eaters Team. Anyway, I’m looking forward to seeing Colon do some post-game eating at Spring Training to see what he’s really got. I wonder if he likes raw turkey necks like I do.
Big Pupi has all the answers to your burning questions about the Red Sox. Drop me a comment and I’ll answer your question too! Here’s a few pre-season questions my dogs have been thinking about:
Question: Hey Big Pupi! What do you think about the Sox starting their season in Japan? If you remember when the Yankees did this a few years back, they got off to a terrible start and Jason Giambi got a stomach worm and lost like 40 pounds and the Yanks haven’t won a World Series since.
-Mr. Jiggles Tuscaloosa, Alabama
Big Pupi: Hey Mr. Jiggles! I’ll tell you one thing- Jason Giambi is a wimp who can’t stomach some meat that was a little undercooked. I eat raw meat everyday and it makes me stronger. Can you really see what happened to Giambi happen to a guy like Josh Beckett who lives on raw venison all winter? Starting in Japan will be no problem for the Sox.
Question: Hey Pupi, do you think Curt Schilling will still be required to meet his weigh-in goals in order to get his money even if he is out for the season?
-Jake East Greenwich, Rhode Island
Big Pupi: I don’t know Jake, but that would really stink for Schilling- no baseball and no eating!
Question: Howdy Pupi, I love your work. My question is about shortstop. Do you think the Sox are going to stick with Lugo for the long-term?
-Duke Amarillo, Texas
Big Pupi: A Texas-sized howdy to you too, Duke! I’m sorry to say that you better get prepared for another season of occasional infield hits and leaving runners in scoring position for Julio Lugo. The Sox have too much invested in this guy to not give him another year to prove that he actually is a baseball player. However, I myself have been training all winter to play SS for the Sox and am currently on my way to Ft. Myers to try to walk on the team. Wish me luck!
Question: Big Pupi, how many deer do you think Mike Timlin bagged this off-season?
-Hunter Nashua, New Hampshire
Big Pupi: Unfortunately Mike Timlin has not yet invited me to go hunting with him, but if I had to guess the number of deer he bagged, I would say 547.
Man it has been a long winter, especially since I moved up here to Chicago where it is still snowing. Think I’ll take a trip down to Fort Myers since pitchers and catchers report in 1 day! And since Red Sox baseball is back, that means Fenway Franks are back. I’m still hoping to get into the ballpark and feast on Fenway Franks, but this year I hope they serve the Franks raw. That’s right, raw. Over the winter, I’ve been working out and eating an entirely raw food diet. Full chicken wings, oxtail, turkey necks, raw lamb, bloody femur bones, vegetables blended up to resemble the stomach contents of a kill. Josh Beckett even mailed me a full raw deer which I feasted on for five months straight. My brother Stanislaw and I have chronicled our raw food eating experience on our I Eat Raw Meat blog. Check it out.
My point is that I’m stronger and healthier than ever. When I get down to Fort Myers I’m going to try out for shortstop for the Sox. I’m pretty sure Julio Lugo hasn’t been eating an entirely raw meat diet all winter and is still a wimp. I did however talk to fellow Texan Clay Buchholz in the off-season and he has been eating raw turkey necks for breakfast and working out twice a day. Wait until you see this guy in the next few days, he is a beast now. I mean bigger than Kevin Millar. Well, gotta go feast. I hope my humans are feeding me tripe tonight.
Bark at you soon,
Apparently Jonathan Papelbon’s bulldog "Boss" has eaten the ball used to make the last out in the ’07 World Series. Boss jumped up on Pap’s table, took the ball, and tore it to pieces. Tasty. Assuming that Papelbon isn’t trying to throw a fast one by us, this is the most hilarious story I’ve heard since I found out that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant. While some fans may be disappointed that this piece of Red Sox history is now history, I can completely understand Boss’ actions. Balls are for dogs. Why is a ball sitting up on Papelbon’s table gathering dust? It makes no sense. Even though a game of fetch with Papelbon sounds scary to a dog without a helmet, Pap should have been out with Boss playing with the ball in his front yard to begin with. And sometimes dog toys happen to get eaten, especially those coated with the tasty aroma of Red Sox victory.
Bark at me,
I just got through reading the full Mitchell Commission Report and I have to say I am disappointed. I mean all 400 pages smell like paper. George Mitchell could have at least sprinkled some steak juice on a few pages to make it more interesting. Boooring.
Anyway, I’m here to defend a fellow canine who was mentioned in this piece of poo report, "Hit Dog" Mo Vaughn. Just because Mo was a beast doesn’t mean he took steroids, George. Hate to break it to you, but there are other ways that baseball players can enhance their performance. For example, Mo Vaughn’s very own Mo-Licious sandwich, a delectable 3.5 pound meat and cheese creation invented by the Hit Dog.
Feast on a few of those before each game and you’ll be batting over 400. From the smell of your report, George, it doesn’t seem like you have much of an appetite. But until you eat a full Mo-Licious in one sitting and then test negative for performance-enhancing substances, don’t be hating on Mo.
The Red Sox finalized a 1-year, 8 million dollar deal with Curt Schilling today, which included a weight clause where he must undergo 6 random weigh-ins throughout the season. He has the opportunity to earn $333,333 per weigh-in if he maintains a certain weight. Since I am the #1 authority on MLB feasting, I thought I should "weigh in" on these developments. First of all, I think it is ludicrous to limit the amount any person (or dog) should be able to eat, especially when it comes to the post-game feast. Perhaps Schilling is an opportunistic eater like myself and is unable to control his craving for the feast. I eat whatever food I see whenever I see it. You drop it, I eat it. I even eat things that I find that aren’t even food just to make sure they aren’t food. There is only one way to know. So I say let Schilling eat. The man deserves a feast.
Secondly, let’s talk about exercise. I happen to maintain a proper body weight even though I feast very hard on occasion. I know that squirrels are fast and the only way I will ever catch them is to be in tip-top shape. Also, the more ground I’m able to cover on my daily run, the more territory I can mark. In fact, I’ve only lived in Chicago for 2 weeks and I have marked all of Lake Michigan. So if any of you dogs out there think of taking a dip in my territory, you better think twice. As for Schilling, maybe he should get a little more exercise. Like instead of walking around the mound after a strike out, take a lap around the bases. Pinch-hit for Coco Crisp on pitching off-days. Trade in the Segway and bike to work. My point is: feast hard, play hard.
Ever since I saw my hero Jacoby Ellsbury steal a base, I have been waiting for today between 2 and 5PM so that I could feast on my free taco. Since Taco Bell is not yet dog-friendly, I had to send my human out to our local downtown Chicago Taco Bell to pick me up my taco. He had to walk 2 miles to get said taco and when he came back my taco was cold, wet, and delicious. The taco was everything I dreamed it would be- meat and cheese together at last:
After the feast, I celebrated like Papelbon on a Duck Boat. I was disappointed I didn’t get to attend the Rolling Rally today, but the taco made up for it. My grandpa told me that the Dropkick Murphys played with Papelbon. Even though my brother Stanislaw is Polish, the Dropkick Murphys are his favorite band. He is one party animal. He doesn’t really care about the games, just the post-party. If he ever saw the Murphys live, he would pee out of excitement. Me too probably.