1. Breakfast will still be tasty tomorrow.
2. Carl Crawford will probably still win us a free taco.
3. We don’t have to listen to stupid cowbells anymore.
4. We don’t have to look at Craig Sager’s ugly outfits anymore.
5. We don’t have to watch anymore FrankTV commercials.
6. We don’t have to watch Joe Maddon make like 14 pitching changes in 1 inning.
7. We don’t have to watch Chad Bradford throw like a girl.
8. Lugo will probably be traded in the off-season.
9. Cheese steak is still tasty, even if we’re not eating it in Philadelphia.
10. I can get some sleep.
Play hard. Feast harder.
1. Feed me a cheese steak!
2. I was really getting into that episode of the Steve Harvey Show.
3. At least TBS got me back to the game just in time for a FrankTV commercial.
4. There’s only one first inning of Game 6 of the ALCS in October! Too bad I missed it.
5. It turns out that Craig Sager’s jacket was not responsible for blinding the TBS cameras and causing the technical difficulties. The TBS feed actually got caught on a catwalk.
6. The Rays infield should take lessons from Colt McCoy on how to throw straight.
7. Grant Balfour is about as lame as those Balfour class rings.
8. Not to mention Big Lame James.
9. Steal a base, steal a taco is officially back for 2008!! Lucky the Sox have Tacoby Bellsbury and Taco-co Crisp!!
See you in Philly,
All I know is this is the best ratings the Steve Harvey Show has ever gotten.
Since the Rays are totally demoralized and about to lose, here’s 10 things you should know about the Phillies before the big Sox-Phillies World Series:
1. Senator Arlen Specter is a huge Phillies fan. He loves them so much he’s using tax payer dollars to hire an extra ump to make sure Red Sox base runners don’t steal signs from Phillies’ catcher Carlos Ruiz.
2. The Phillies use a 3-man rotation: Cole Hamels, Donovan McNabb, and Cole Hamels.
3. I won’t be making phun of Brett Myers at all during this series. I’m afraid he’ll get angry and hit me on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.
4. The Phillies fans are described as “rabid.” I feel bad for them. Look what happened to Old Yeller.
5. Ben Franklin invented electricity so that the Phillies could play night games.
6. Franklin also invented the steak and cheese sandwich. Meat and cheese together! Genius!
7. Some people take their vacation to go see the Liberty Bell. It’s a bell with a crack in it. I prefer to take my vacation to PetCo to see the hamster display.
8. Phillies manager Charlie Manuel taught Manny how to hit. He also taught him that the Green Monster is a great place to pee if you really have to go.
9. Look for Pirates fans to swarm Citizens Bank Park this series to see their hero Jason Bay.
10. Tom Hanks lives in Philadelphia. I loved him in Field of Dreams.
Free taco count: 5
2. Craig Sager better pack up his jackets because we’re going to Tampa!
3. I really like the Sox gameplan last night. Pretend like you stink for 7 innings, get down 7 to 0, make the Rays taste the champagne, and then crush their morale.
4. I think it’s fair to say that this series is over. Bring on the Phillies!
5. Those Phillies’ execs in the stands scouting the Rays can rip up their notes. Those won’t be on the exam.
6. It seems to be against logic, but you just have to accept the fact that Dice-K does not lose. Ever. No matter how may men he puts on base, no matter how many runs he gives up. Just accept it and move on.
7. We’re shipping up to Tampa!
8. It’s like night and Ray.
Play hard. Feast hard.
So Manny’s 2008 season is over because the rest of the Dodgers stink worse than my brother’s breathe. There’s always next year and hopefully the Red Sox will sign Manny to his 5-year contract!
So I had a really rough day yesterday. First I had to go to the vet. Then I had to watch Lester get shelled. Even Paul Byrd didn’t look very appetizing. Weird my day was so bad because when I woke up, I thought it was going to be the best day of my life. Finally off the DL because of a toe injury caused by my stupid brother, I got in a quick four-mile hunt, warned some squirrels to stay off my territory and then feasted on some raw meat. Then things just went downhill.
But I woke up today pretty sure that it was going to be the best day of my life. I plan on resting and feasting for most of the day and then watching Wakefield’s knuckler knuckle like a cheesy Dorito flying through the air. And Andy Sonnanstine serve up some tasty turkey meatballs to Jason Bay. And David Archuleta not sing the National Anthem because he sounds worse than a dog whistle. And Craig Sager wear a jacket that will make humans wish they were colorblind like me.
Free taco count: 5*
2. I bet Papelbon really wants to destroy Craig Sager’s new purple hyper-color jacket.
3. Less cowbell!
4. Too bad for Rays fans. Not only did they lose the game, but they also missed Wheel of Fortune to watch it.
5. Dice-K is the philosopher pitcher.
6. Is it me or does Kevin Youkilis look particularly scarier in this series? He’s letting his beard grow wild or something. I would not want to pitch to that guy.
7. Carl Crawford’s tattoo looks kind of like that thing they sprayed on the turf in center field. What is that?
8. I knew the Rays had lost when they brought in David Archuleta to sing the National Anthem. They should’ve just waved a white flag. Then at least we wouldn’t of had to listen to Archuleta.
*Although I haven’t seen any ads, I’m assuming that Taco Bell is running their “Steal a Base, Steal a Taco” campaign once again this year. I’m also assuming that for every base Ellsbury steals in the Playoffs, America earns another free taco (and Crisp and Pedroia). I’m just keeping a tally in case I have to write Taco Bell’s Chief Marketing Officer David Ovens to get us our free tacos.
1. Their fans are old and have “growing problems” which means more time in the men’s room and less time cheering on their team.
2. Since they changed their puke green and black color scheme to a nice blue, they can count out Craig Sager wearing their colors.
3. They have the weakest bunch of Mohawks I’ve ever seen. Why don’t they get some real Mohawks?
4. Tropicana is the lamest sponsor for a ballpark I’ve ever heard of. A healthy breakfast drink? How about something more manly like Skoal Field, Gillette Stadium, KFC Park or Fenway Frank Coliseum?
5. Their fans tailgate at Golden Corral.
6. The Celtics already have the worst to first thing covered for ’08.
7. Even the Cubs have won a more recent World Series.
8. Carl Crawford has never won me a free taco.
9. James Shields can’t land a punch.
10. I sniffed Raymond’s bum and I still have no idea what type of animal he is.