October 2008
Someone Better Win me a Taco or I’m Gonna be Mad!
Since Tacoby Bellsbury and Taco-co Crisp were unfairly eliminated from the World Series, I’m a little nervous that no one will win me a free taco this year. Since I’ve watched a total of 0 Phillies’ games this year (well I did watch Manny bat in the NLCS), I decided to do some research into what kind of running game this team has and which Phillie can possibly make it rain free tacos. Here’s my findings:
1. Jimmy Rollins (SS)- If a Phillie is going to win me a taco, Rollins is likely the man to do it. He has 47 stolen bases this year. We just need him to get on base.
2. Shane Victorino (CF)- If Rollins can’t bring the feast, Victorino may be able to. 36 steals on the year. Unlike Taco-co, Victorino prefers not to start fights with pitchers who throw at him. This bodes well for him not getting thrown out of the game and keeping my free taco hopes alive.
3. Chase Utley (2B)- With a name like Chase, you’d think this guy could run. Not so much with only 14 steals on the season. I’d say Chase has an outside chance of opening Taco Bell’s coffers.
4. Ryan Howard (1B)- Too fat to run. 1 steal on the season, which was likely a fluke. Howard should mail me a coupon for a free Subway grinder to make up for his 0% chance of winning me a taco.
5. Pat Burrell (LF)- Is it even possible to steal 0 bases in a season? I mean, not even a defensive indifference or something? Burrell is lame.
6. Geoff Jenkins (RF)- Never heard of this guy, but apparently he doesn’t know how to run. Perhaps he needs a bite in the bum to get moving. 1 steal on the season.
7. Pedro Feliz (3B)- More like Pedro Please get moving. You stink. 0 steals on the season.
8. Carlos Ruiz (C)- While unlikely to steal a base himself (1 on the season), the Phillies catcher can still help out the cause by letting Carl Crawford steal on him. Put it in your pocket, Carlos!
9. Cole Hamels (P)- Oddly enough, pitchers bat in the NL. How lame is that? One less potential base-stealer in the line-up! Anyway, even if Hamels gets on base, there is no way he is risking messing up his hair by sliding into second.
As you can see, the Phillies’ order is extremely top-heavy. If Rollins or Victorino don’t get on base, we will likely starve.
Play hard. Feast harder.
Big Pupi
Sox Can’t Complete the Improbable
The Red Sox couldn’t quite comeback from the 3-1 deficit this weekend, but a guy in PA did manage to eat a cheeseburger that weighed 20.2 pounds. They even paid this guy $400 to eat that burger. I would have done it for free! If this guy is a Phillies fan, than I am pulling for them in the World Series.
Play hard. Feast harder.
Big Pupi
Things to be Happy About
1. Breakfast will still be tasty tomorrow.
2. Carl Crawford will probably still win us a free taco.
3. We don’t have to listen to stupid cowbells anymore.
4. We don’t have to look at Craig Sager’s ugly outfits anymore.
5. We don’t have to watch anymore FrankTV commercials.
6. We don’t have to watch Joe Maddon make like 14 pitching changes in 1 inning.
7. We don’t have to watch Chad Bradford throw like a girl.
8. Lugo will probably be traded in the off-season.
9. Cheese steak is still tasty, even if we’re not eating it in Philadelphia.
10. I can get some sleep.
Play hard. Feast harder.
Big Pupi
ALCS Game 6 Kibbles
1. Feed me a cheese steak!
2. I was really getting into that episode of the Steve Harvey Show.
3. At least TBS got me back to the game just in time for a FrankTV commercial.
4. There’s only one first inning of Game 6 of the ALCS in October! Too bad I missed it.
5. It turns out that Craig Sager’s jacket was not responsible for blinding the TBS cameras and causing the technical difficulties. The TBS feed actually got caught on a catwalk.
6. The Rays infield should take lessons from Colt McCoy on how to throw straight.
7. Grant Balfour is about as lame as those Balfour class rings.
8. Not to mention Big Lame James.
9. Steal a base, steal a taco is officially back for 2008!! Lucky the Sox have Tacoby Bellsbury and Taco-co Crisp!!
See you in Philly,
Big Pupi
Sager’s Jacket Blinds TBS Cameras
All I know is this is the best ratings the Steve Harvey Show has ever gotten.
Big Pupi
10 Things to Know About the Phillies
Since the Rays are totally demoralized and about to lose, here’s 10 things you should know about the Phillies before the big Sox-Phillies World Series:
1. Senator Arlen Specter is a huge Phillies fan. He loves them so much he’s using tax payer dollars to hire an extra ump to make sure Red Sox base runners don’t steal signs from Phillies’ catcher Carlos Ruiz.
2. The Phillies use a 3-man rotation: Cole Hamels, Donovan McNabb, and Cole Hamels.
3. I won’t be making phun of Brett Myers at all during this series. I’m afraid he’ll get angry and hit me on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.
4. The Phillies fans are described as “rabid.” I feel bad for them. Look what happened to Old Yeller.
5. Ben Franklin invented electricity so that the Phillies could play night games.
6. Franklin also invented the steak and cheese sandwich. Meat and cheese together! Genius!
7. Some people take their vacation to go see the Liberty Bell. It’s a bell with a crack in it. I prefer to take my vacation to PetCo to see the hamster display.
8. Phillies manager Charlie Manuel taught Manny how to hit. He also taught him that the Green Monster is a great place to pee if you really have to go.
9. Look for Pirates fans to swarm Citizens Bank Park this series to see their hero Jason Bay.
10. Tom Hanks lives in Philadelphia. I loved him in Field of Dreams.
ALCS Game 5 Kibbles
Free taco count: 5
1. Treats.
2. Craig Sager better pack up his jackets because we’re going to Tampa!
3. I really like the Sox gameplan last night. Pretend like you stink for 7 innings, get down 7 to 0, make the Rays taste the champagne, and then crush their morale.
4. I think it’s fair to say that this series is over. Bring on the Phillies!
5. Those Phillies’ execs in the stands scouting the Rays can rip up their notes. Those won’t be on the exam.
6. It seems to be against logic, but you just have to accept the fact that Dice-K does not lose. Ever. No matter how may men he puts on base, no matter how many runs he gives up. Just accept it and move on.
7. We’re shipping up to Tampa!
8. It’s like night and Ray.
Play hard. Feast hard.
Big Pupi
I Guess You Can’t Win the NLCS with 1 Guy
So Manny’s 2008 season is over because the rest of the Dodgers stink worse than my brother’s breathe. There’s always next year and hopefully the Red Sox will sign Manny to his 5-year contract!
Big Pupi
Time to Turn Things Around
So I had a really rough day yesterday. First I had to go to the vet. Then I had to watch Lester get shelled. Even Paul Byrd didn’t look very appetizing. Weird my day was so bad because when I woke up, I thought it was going to be the best day of my life. Finally off the DL because of a toe injury caused by my stupid brother, I got in a quick four-mile hunt, warned some squirrels to stay off my territory and then feasted on some raw meat. Then things just went downhill.
But I woke up today pretty sure that it was going to be the best day of my life. I plan on resting and feasting for most of the day and then watching Wakefield’s knuckler knuckle like a cheesy Dorito flying through the air. And Andy Sonnanstine serve up some tasty turkey meatballs to Jason Bay. And David Archuleta not sing the National Anthem because he sounds worse than a dog whistle. And Craig Sager wear a jacket that will make humans wish they were colorblind like me.
Go Sox,
Big Pupi
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