My human told me not to try to eat meat cooking on a hot stove, but I haven’t really learned my lesson:
1. Will Beckett be back for Game 3?
Absolutely, I once went hunting with Josh two hours after he strained his oblique and he bagged 7 deer and an antelope. The guy is clutch. Not affected by injury.
2. If Beckett isn’t back for Game 3, will Byrd pitch?
It’s a long way for Byrd to fly from LA back to Boston, so I would say no. I’d say he’ll be able to fly to about Chicago, where he’s invited to stop by my house for dinner.
3. Will Ellsbury win me a taco?
My prediction is that Ellsbury steals 30 bases and tacos fall from the sky. Wait, Taco Bell is giving us tacos, right?
4. Is K-Rod afraid of the Red Sox without Manny?
No, we better score lots of runs early off Lackey, who stinks.
5. Will Papi play first if Lowell is out?
Yes, and when the ump isn’t looking, Varitek will coat the baseballs with pork chop juice. Ortiz has never dropped anything that smells like a pork chop.
6. Who will win the VP debate?
Whoever talks the most about pork-barrel spending, of course. Tasty.
I’ve been waiting for the Rays to choke all year and now it’s down to the last weekend. 3 Sox wins and 3 Rays losses is the only way for us to face a worn out White Sox or stinky Twins team. Or else we’ll be off to the West coast to see the Rally Monkey. I have a stuffed monkey toy, which I ripped a leg off of.
In unrelated news, RSN governors were announced and I was once again discriminated against for not being human. That’s ok, I’m not really interested in being a human if that’s what it takes to win an election. I mean humans only have two legs and if they eat raw meat like I do, they die. Plus humans have to pick up my poo. They do get to sleep in those awesome beds though. Plus go to the ballpark whenever they want, instead of one day per year.
Since I’m friends with Obama now, I’ve got my eye on bigger things. You could say I have a few ideas to boost the economy. How about we start taxing squirrels for their use of public trees? Or pigeons for their use of public air space? Or maybe we just eat pigeons instead of buying groceries. Talk about change that we can believe in!
So I was walking around downtown Chicago last night, marking some planters and such for Red Sox Nation when I saw that some police dogs had blocked off the street. A crowd of humans gathered and my human and I waited for a while to see what was going on. Soon after, Barack Obama pulled up, got out of a car and waved to me! Now I can add Obama to the long list of famous people who have said hi to me:
1. Barack Obama
2. Lance Armstrong
So I’m pretty sure since Obama and I are tight now that he’ll make me his Secretary of Animal Affairs if he becomes president. No new meat taxes! No cheese tariff! I promise to stand up for the issues that really matter to American animals as Secretary of Animal Affairs.
While all you stupid humans are busy talking like pirates today, the actual Cheese Pirates will be busy plundering your various cocktail parties and such.
1:07 PM- Baby shower on Clark St.
2:13 PM- Dean’s reception on North Michigan
3:02 PM- Office hors d’oeuvres on Randolph
3:30 PM- Nacho vendor on Addison
3:47 PM- Pee break
3:48 PM- Yacht kitchen- Monroe Harbor
4:32 PM- Subway sandwich shop on LaSalle
5:31 PM- Wedding at the Planetarium
6:02 PM- Sox-Jays party on Washington
7:05 PM- Berry Chill break
8:07 PM- Dumpter at the Melting Pot
You may be wondering, “why would the Cheese Pirates publish their pillage schedule for the authorities to see?” Well to you we say try and catch us! Isn’t the essence of being a Pirate being brazen?
Note to the Red Sox: Keep in mind it is talk like a pirate day, not play like a Pirate day.
When I started growing my Rally Mohawk, the Red Sox started running away with the Wild Card. Clearly the Rally Mohawk has been a factor. I originally said I’d shave it when we clinch a Playoff spot (which could happen by the end of the weekend). But now I am hungry for the division and homefield advantage against the White Sox (who have tasty Comiskey dogs that I have eaten).
So I’m going to sport the hawk until we win the Division! As you can see, my hawk is getting a little long to stay up on its own. My human told me he won’t test hair products like gel on animals.
Only 3.5 games back and now I smell tasty Devil Rays! Although I’m mostly a meat-eater, I do feast on fish from time to time. Canned salmon is particularly tasty and I think I’d probably take me a bite out of a Devil Ray if I ever saw one washed ashore near my lake, Lake Michigan. That’s right, it’s my lake so next time the Coast Guard tells me I don’t have permission to swim in it, I’ll tell them they don’t have my permission to ride their boat in it. I marked it, you know.
Forget about the wildcard, I want to win the division now! I also want home field advantage throughout the Playoffs, so we can set up our pitching and we don’t have to travel as much, which means more resting and feasting. Good sleeping and home-cooked eating in the Playoffs is the key to winning championships. Devil Rays, you can start choking now. We have lots of games left against the Blue Jays who have our number. Earth to the Blue Jays, you’re out so stop trying so hard. Paul Byrd is going to fly into your nest and eat your eggs. Migrate south for the winter.
As for the Twins and the White Sox, one of you can forget it. Twins are burnt out after having to leave their home for like 2 weeks because of John McCain and Sarah Palin, who loves to feast on moose burgers. Mmmm, moose burgers. Feasting. White Sox, I hope you get in and play the Red Sox in the first round so I can go to the games at the Cell, where dogs are allowed. Mmmm, Comiskey Dogs. Moose hot dogs. Tasty.
California Angels of Los Anaheim, you can forget the number #1 seed. See you in the ALCS. Or maybe you can mix it up a little and let someone else knock you out of the Playoffs this year. Pedroia for President! Free tacos for everybody!