Manny to the Dodgers. Jason Bay to the Red Sox. Brandon Moss and Craig Hansen to the Pirates. This trade is more ridiculous than the time my human made me fast because my stomach was sick. I need to take some time off from the Sox. Hunt some squirrels, eat some raw meat. You know, connect with nature.
- Manny would just look silly in a Marlins uniform. His dreadlocks don’t happen to match aquamarine green, a color I have never seen in nature. At least not any nature I’ve eaten.
- If Manny is in left and he has to pee, where would he go? In his pants?
- If Manny is in left and he has to make a cell phone call, where would he go?
- Hitting a game-winning homer off Nationals’ closer Joel Hanrahan to secure a 3rd place finish in the NL East isn’t as exciting as hitting a game-winning homer off K-Rod in the Playoffs.
- The Marlins already have a Ramirez.
- I’m not sure Manny would be able to focus while there are girls in the hot tub in the stands at Dolphin Stadium.
- What’s the fun in hitting homers if they don’t smash people’s windshields that are driving down the Pike?
No deal yet. Maybe Manny will be traded for Brett Favre. Keep your finger crossed that this thing doesn’t go through. Jason Bay has never even sniffed a post season, nevermind came through in the clutch in the Playoffs. I’m off to work. And by work, I mean a nap.
On what could be Manny’s last night in Boston, I look back to better days:
Ode to Manny
by: Big Pupi
Manny, oh Manny, you’re a real bad man-
You jumped in the stands and high-fived a fan
After making a catch with your back to the plate
Then threw the ball in at an astonishing rate
And turned a double-play with Dustin Pedroia-
You never talk to any reporters
Except Jose Mota after that game-ender
That landed on the Pike off some guy’s fender.
You stood like a statue just watching it sail
In the Angel’s coffin you pounded a nail.
You bat over .300 like every year straight
Some pitchers you face just accept their fate
And intentionally walk you or throw inside
Like , but he can’t hide
From your devastating stare and loaded-up bat,
How do you fit all that hair under your hat?
You go in the Monster to take a leak,
When August comes you’ll hurt your oblique.
But that’s okay because you deserve the rest
Come Playoff time to be at your best
And show everyone that the Playoffs are here
By blasting homeruns with your arms in the air.
Watching the Red Sox lately is like going to the kennel. I’m trying to stay positive, but it’s harder than a Nylabone. And now Manny may be gone? I actually had to think really long about some things to be happy about. Here’s some ideas:
1. The Yanks traded Farnsworth for Pudge. Am I the only one that thinks this was a stupid trade by the Yanks? I’m afraid of Farnsworth. Pudge is only like 1 year younger than Posada and will likely stink. I will eat my words if Pudge propels the Yanks into the postseason. My words are meat, cheese, Polish sausage, and pierogies. I promise I will eat them.
2. Julio Lugo is still on the DL so we don’t have to watch that bum. One could make the argument that the Sox are 4-8 since Lugo has been gone, not to mention the fact that Lugo’s best buddy Manny has spun completely out of control while Lugo hasn’t been around. I will not make that argument, however. At least Lowrie is getting some time to develop.
3. Fenway still sells Fenway Franks.
4. The Red Sox are still ahead of the Orioles.
5. The Red Sox play Oakland and KC this week, who stink.
6. We don’t have to play the Angels anymore. Maybe not even in the Playoffs.
7. Football season is almost here.
Time to take my anger out on a stuffed rabbit dog toy.
1. The Yankees never get their uniforms dirty. Have you ever seen Jeter with even a speck of mud on his pretty pants? Youkilis is dirty and sweaty before the game even starts. The guy practices head first slides during warm-ups.
Besides blasting 3 homers in 3 games in Pawtucket, Big Papi also spent some time enjoying himself while in RI last weekend. Here’s 10 things he did while he wasn’t on the field:
1. Ate an entire D’Angelos meatball grinder in 2 bites
2. Drank a whole Newport Creamery coffee cabinet in one gulp, causing brain freeze
3. Rode the Big Blue Bug like a rodeo bull for 8 seconds
4. Caught a wave at Narragansett (can you picture Big Papi on a surfboard?)
5. Filled in as a dinosaur at Roger Williams Park Zoo for an afternoon since one of the regular dinosaurs was broken
6. Drank a whole gallon of Dell’s Lemonade in one gulp, again causing brain freeze
7. Climbed to the highest point in RI and beat his chest like Godzilla, then proceeded to climb down from the landfill
8. Went to give a motivational speech to kids at a Foster, Glocester elementary school, school ended up being closed for a snow day
9. Survived 3 fiery 18-wheeler wrecks on 95 at Thurber’s Ave
10. Emptied all his baseball gear from his bags, refilled bags with enough clam cakes to last through next week
As inevitable as Greg Norman collapsing in the final round of a Major, Manny Ramirez is once again up to his mid-summer antics. Shoving secretaries, talking on his cell inside the Monster, falling on top of pop flies, striking out on purpose and grabbing all the headlines because of it. In the meantime the Sox are getting crushed by the Angels. As a long-time advocate of letting Manny do whatever he wants, we should just let Manny do whatever he wants. Manny is among the last things that the Red Sox need to worry about right now. Manny flailing at a fly ball and falling with the grace of a hippo on top of it was about the only entertaining thing I’ve seen out of the Sox since they’ve been in Los Angeles of Anaheim. That and Coco’s grab.
My point is that Manny is prone to mess around this time of year and we should just accept it. Unlike Greg Norman, Manny will come through in the clutch when it matters for us. When’s the last time the Angles beat the Sox when it mattered? Never, because Manny won’t let that happen. So enjoy Manny’s antics while they last because you won’t see it in the Playoffs. Unless your idea of antics is game-winning moonshots off K-Rod.
Ode to Jacoby Ellsbury
by: Big Pupi
It’s time for an ode to the man named Jacoby
Who runs faster than Flash, which is made by Adobe
He should be an All-Star, just like Fukudome
He won me a taco, that’s why he’s my homey.
He steals bases like a thief in a bandana,
Faster than a gazelle from the African savanna
Robbing the Rays down at Tropicana-
I’m glad we didn’t trade him for Johan Santana.
Part Native-American from the Pacific Northwest
Since coming to the Bigs he’s really progressed.
And in the 2007 Playoffs he passed the test-
Now all the ladies want to show him their chests.
He worked hard all winter and put on some weight
Spending some time in the Beaver State
I want to put “JACOBY” on my license plate,
Man do I savor that taco I ate.
So here’s to Jacoby, the future of the Sox
He’s faster and sleeker than an Arctic fox
Stronger and works harder than a farming ox,
And one day we’ll see him on a Wheaties’ box.
When I’m not watching the Red Sox or feasting on meat, I like to watch me some NASCAR. Being a Sox fan, of course I cheer for the Roush-Fenway racing squad, which is 50% owned by the Red Sox ownership team. My favorite Roush-Fenway driver is #99 Carl Edwards, who has 3 wins this year and was just edged-out last week by M&M’s Kyle Busch because the race ended on a caution behind them. If you guys haven’t had the chance to check Carl Edwards out this year yet, you can watch him win the Nationwide race tonight on ESPN and the Sprint Cup race tomorrow night on TNT. Just flip to the race during the Sox-O’s commercials or when the bottom of the Sox order comes up. Like Manny, Edwards is a dynamic athlete. He does what it takes to win in the clutch and then he celebrates in everyone’s face by doing a backflip off his car after the race. Edwards is also jacked and dates athletes and models like swimmer Amanda Beard. And if you don’t happen to like Edwards, check out the other Fenway drivers like #17 DEWALT car Matt Kenseth or #6 AAA car David Ragan.
So NASCAR is in my territory this week in Chicago. I asked my dad if we could go, but he told me our truck broke down and we had to get rid of it. Since we don’t have a truck, we can’t go because my mom’s Volkswagen is not an appropriate car to be seen in at a NASCAR race. Makes sense, I guess. So I have my TV ready to watch both Clay Buchholz and Carl Edwards tear things up this weekend!