Ode to Kevin Youkilis
by: Big Pupi
Kevin Youkilis, you’re a pretty good guy
Trying to stay in when hit in the eye
In between innings while warming up;
At least you didn’t get hit in the cup.
And the day before you had a walk-off blast
That in 13 innings moved the Red Sox past
The Cardinals who we smoked in ’04
When you were just getting you foot in the door.
You moved to first base and you really perspire
You play every day, but never seem to tire,
And for 238 games you didn’t have an error-
Can Lugo say that? The answer is never.
Once in a while, you’ll get really mad
And throw stuff around the dugout a tad,
But that’s because you play so intense
Ripping line-drives over the fence,
Walking so much you’re like always on base,
Growing a small rodent on your face.
Getting all dirty and not taking a bath,
Using Gatorade coolers to take out your wrath.
Youk, you wear emotion all over your sleeve-
Helmets and shin-guards you love to heave.
Thanks Kevin for playing so hard-
You’re dirty before stepping onto the yard.
And we count on you to handle that throw
That’s sailing off-target from Julio Lugo.
The trade deadline is coming up in 6 weeks and Julio Lugo is on the meat chopping block. Lugo has 15 RBIs, half of which came on sacrifices. He has got to go. Ever since minor leaguer John Odom was traded for 10 maple wood bats, I’ve been thinking about some cool stuff the Red Sox could get for Lugo. Here’s my list of things we should trade Julio Lugo for:
-Some pants that fit Manny
-A Lightweight Stalker .270 Winchester hunting rifle for Mike Timlin
-New necklaces for Dustin Pedroia
-A log of Copenhagen for Tito
-10 loaves of Yaz Bread
-A bucket of KFC Smoky Chipotle Crispy for Kevin Millar
-A bucket of KFC Smoky Chipotle Crispy for me (I should be compensated for having to watch Lugo play SS for this long!)
-Beer for everyone in the bleachers (Other Red Sox fans should be compensated too)
-A petting zoo for the bullpen
-Chuck E. Cheese gift certificates
-12 boxes of Bazooka Joe
-10 Mo-Licious sandwiches for David Ortiz
-Liposuction for Bartolo Colon
-Vocab lessons for RemDawg
That’s some pretty good stuff that we could get for Lugo! Let me know if anyone else has ideas and I will submit the final list to Theo by the trade deadline.
So my stupid human forgot to leave the TV on for me when he left for work so that I could watch today’s day game. Hello human, I can’t work a remote because I have no thumbs! I tried to get my brother Stanislaw to help since he still has his dew claws, but once he got the TV on, he wouldn’t change the channel from Animal Planet. So I had to watch this show about tiger sharks instead of the Red Sox. It was pretty interesting though, I never knew tiger sharks lived in my lake.
Ode to Mike Lowell
by: Big Pupi
Here’s to the World Series MVP
Some call him ‘Mike’, some ‘Grizzly’
Know who he really looks like to me?
That guy from ER- George Clooney!
The Sox took him on as an add-in for Beckett
And ever since he’s been great with the mitt.
These guys always think that they’ve got a hit
Then Lowell steps in and makes them sit.
Not just a glove, but a force at the plate-
I gotta get me some of what Mike Lowell ate
Last year when the season was getting late
And since he’s been off the DL in ’08.
And people forget he brings the Sox together,
Looking like a fisherman hit by bad weather
And growing on his face some sort of heather;
Blasting home runs and flashing the leather.
Did you know that Lowell’s from San Juan?
And looks like he’s related to Genghis Kahn.
Baseballs aren’t the only thing he’s beat on-
He crushed cancer like it was a Bon-Bon.
Mike Lowell is a beast and no one can deny
And shaving cream he will never buy-
You won’t ever see him wearing a tie.
Here’s to Mike Lowell, a stand-up guy!
Potowomut, left to go hunt some birds in heaven yesterday. Wrigley was
14 years old and my human’s family dog growing up. He was the oldest
member of the Forgotten Fans.
I never got to meet Wrigley because he lived in Rhode Island and I’ve
never been on a plane, but my dad used to regale me with stories about
this mythical beast. Wrigley was a backyard boy and his job was to
protect the property from all critters hoping to come in. He’s
wrestled snakes, skunks, and squirrels. He even once took care of a
blue jay that had tried to feast on his kibble. He was as great a hunter as Mike Timlin or Josh Beckett. Most Red Sox fans hate
Yankees, but Wrigley hated Blue Jays and Orioles. Wrigley was also a
big fan of meat and cheese, just like me and Stanislaw. Wrigley
actually lived long enough to see the Red Sox win two championships, in
2004 and 2007. He celebrated last year by wearing goggles like the
Sox. This great hunter and feaster will surely be missed.
Kevin Millar almost did us in last night in the ninth even though we had a big lead. This guy is the real deal. We are lucky he only bats once in the order. Anyway, all Sox fans should sign the online Petition to Trade Kevin Millar. We need him either to come to the Red Sox, or at least get traded out of the AL East so we don’t have to face his offensive firepower 20 times per year. Plus he could hurt somebody and we already have enough players on the DL.
The dogs are in and we’re ready to go. Whatever team wins the East, the Sox or the Yanks (forget Tampa Bay), the other dog squad has to wear enemy team gear and post pictures on their blog. Here is the field:
- Mackenzie (NYY)
- Big Pupi (SOX)
- Captain (SOX)
- Beckett (SOX)
- Fenway (SOX)
- Stanislaw (SOX)
- Mitch & Maggie (SOX)
Also, the Red Sox team has support from a couple of cool cats:
I’ve been watching these recent Sox-O’s games on MASN (sorry, RemDawg!)
hoping to see Kevin Millar in a new commercial for my current favorite
food, KFC Smoky Chipotle Crispy. Instead of
seeing the King of Selling Chicken, all I’ve seen are these stupid
commercials with humans sitting around the table with the new Crispy. Well this worries me. I
love the KFC Smoky Chipotle Crispy and I’m genuinely afraid that if KFC
Chief Marketing Officer James O’Reilly doesn’t step up KFC’s game, people
won’t buy the new Crispy and it will be discontinued. Since I spend the majority of my day thinking about eating chicken, I consider myself an expert in fried chicken marketing. Please, KFC, take my advice on how to turn around the KFC Smoky Chipotle Crispy marketing campaign:
1. Hire Kevin Millar as your spokesman immediately. Millar bathes in KFC chicken wing grease. This guy can get a vegan to chow down a whole bucket of the new Crispy. I have no idea what a vegan is. Forget this family style picnic advertising theme. Nobody buys it. People want to see that Millar likes it and then they will like it too.
2. Step up your in-store front window advertising. You need to promote KFC Smoky Chipotle Crispy at eye-level in your store windows. By eye-level, I mean my eye-level. I am 1 foot tall. There’s this place in my neighborhood called Chicken Planet that does a great job with store window advertising. See example below.
3. Your interactive KFC Smoky Chipotle landing page is lame-O. I’m supposed to find the chipotle spices on some island or something? Boring. If you want to do something really innovative, how about design a landing page that actually smells like chicken. Instead of letting people move the piece of chicken through a maze with their mouse, let them move it into their mouth.
Trust me KFC, I know my chicken. I would hate to see the new Crispy flop, so please heed my advice. Also mail me a bucket. Thank you.
I admit I missed the Sox-Rays brawl yesterday because I was at US Cellular Park eating Comiskey Dogs. Mmmm, Comiskey Dogs. However, I thought this brawl was awesome and I totally defend all that made it happen. You know, sometimes fights break out at the dog park and we all like to get involved. Did you notice Julio Lugo trying to break up the fight the whole time? Just another reason why we should cut this guy. The way I feel is that if Shields bites you in the bum, you should bite him back. So for the Red Sox, Crisp was suspended for 7 games, Jon Lester for 5, and Sean “Mayor McCheese” Casey for 3 games. Mike Timlin was also suspended for 1 game for bringing hunting rifles to a fist fight. Kevin Millar suffered the hardest punishment, getting suspended for 10 games for running from Baltimore and hitting Akinori Iwamura in the head with a KFC Smoky Chipotle Crispy drumstick. Iwamura suffered a concussion from the impact. After the fight, Youkilis got into it with Manny in the dugout since Manny was peeing in the Green Monster during the fight and missed it. Whatever, sometimes I bite my brother when he takes my toys. We’re still friends, though!
Today, I finally got to go to a major league ballpark and feast on ballpark franks! I even got to walk on the field and meet players from the White Sox and Royals. White Sox Dog Day at US Cellular Field was a great success and should be repeated at Fenway Park. I mean, there were a few fights in the bleachers and stuff, but nothing out of the ordinary for Fenway. Also, if a Fenway Frank is better tasting than a Comiskey Dog, I think I will go on an all Fenway Frank diet. I’m so jealous of the White Sox dogs since they get to go to the ballpark every year. Come on, Red Sox ownership! Stop forgetting all the animal fans of Red Sox Nation! You can even get Science Diet (puke) or someone to sponsor Red Sox Dog Day and make a few bucks from it. It’s about time the Forgotten Fans get what they deserve- a Fenway Frank in their mouths!