Weighing In on Schilling’s Contract

The Red Sox finalized a 1-year, 8 million dollar deal with Curt Schilling today, which included a weight clause where he must undergo 6 random weigh-ins throughout the season.  He has the opportunity to earn $333,333 per weigh-in if he maintains a certain weight.  Since I am the #1 authority on MLB feasting, I thought I should "weigh in" on these developments.  First of all, I think it is ludicrous to limit the amount any person (or dog) should be able to eat, especially when it comes to the post-game feast.  Perhaps Schilling is an opportunistic eater like myself and is unable to control his craving for the feast.  I eat whatever food I see whenever I see it.  You drop it, I eat it.  I even eat things that I find that aren’t even food just to make sure they aren’t food.  There is only one way to know.  So I say let Schilling eat.  The man deserves a feast.

Secondly, let’s talk about exercise.  I happen to maintain a proper body weight even though I feast very hard on occasion.  I know that squirrels are fast and the only way I will ever catch them is to be in tip-top shape.  Also, the more ground I’m able to cover on my daily run, the more territory I can mark.  In fact, I’ve only lived in Chicago for 2 weeks and I have marked all of Lake Michigan.  So if any of you dogs out there think of taking a dip in my territory, you better think twice.  As for Schilling, maybe he should get a little more exercise.  Like instead of walking around the mound after a strike out, take a lap around the bases.  Pinch-hit for Coco Crisp on pitching off-days.  Trade in the Segway and bike to work.  My point is: feast hard, play hard.

Big Pupi