The Red Sox finalized a 1-year, 8 million dollar deal with Curt Schilling today, which included a weight clause where he must undergo 6 random weigh-ins throughout the season. He has the opportunity to earn $333,333 per weigh-in if he maintains a certain weight. Since I am the #1 authority on MLB feasting, I thought I should "weigh in" on these developments. First of all, I think it is ludicrous to limit the amount any person (or dog) should be able to eat, especially when it comes to the post-game feast. Perhaps Schilling is an opportunistic eater like myself and is unable to control his craving for the feast. I eat whatever food I see whenever I see it. You drop it, I eat it. I even eat things that I find that aren’t even food just to make sure they aren’t food. There is only one way to know. So I say let Schilling eat. The man deserves a feast.
Secondly, let’s talk about exercise. I happen to maintain a proper body weight even though I feast very hard on occasion. I know that squirrels are fast and the only way I will ever catch them is to be in tip-top shape. Also, the more ground I’m able to cover on my daily run, the more territory I can mark. In fact, I’ve only lived in Chicago for 2 weeks and I have marked all of Lake Michigan. So if any of you dogs out there think of taking a dip in my territory, you better think twice. As for Schilling, maybe he should get a little more exercise. Like instead of walking around the mound after a strike out, take a lap around the bases. Pinch-hit for Coco Crisp on pitching off-days. Trade in the Segway and bike to work. My point is: feast hard, play hard.