I’m having a huge all-weekend dog party in celebration of the Red Sox winning the AL East! All Red Sox Nation dogs are invited. I have extra toilet bowls to drink out of and goggles to wear just like the Sox. Bark at me!
Now that the field is set for the AL Playoffs, everyone has started to break-down who would be the best first round match-up for the Red Sox. From Buster Olney to John Kruk, Steve Phillips to Cesar Milan, everyone has some sort of complicated analysis based on pitching match-ups, monthly ERA trends, and batting averages against. Being a dog, I will give you the simple answer. The Red Sox want to play the Indians, no bones about it.
Here’s why: When it comes to the Red Sox, the first round of the Playoffs is not going to be about match-ups between pitchers and hitters. The Red Sox have the best starting pitching and the best bullpen, and their pitching staff is going to give them a chance to win every game. That means they need to score some runs. Like they’ve done all year, the Red Sox will only hit if they are in a groove, no matter who is pitching. It doesn’t matter if they’re facing Byung-Hyun Kim or Catfish Hunter (tasty), the Sox either hit or they don’t. The best chance the Sox have to hit is if they are eating and sleeping well. And that is what the first round of the Playoffs is going to be about: sleeping and eating.
That’s right, getting some good naps in the sunny spot on the carpet and having a full belly. We’ve seen what the Sox can do when they are well-rested and their tummies are full. Just look at the last few games.
The Red Sox do not want to be traveling from the East Coast to the West Coast to play the Angels, as it cuts into their sleeping and eating time. The Sox stink on the West Coast. They got crushed by everybody last time they went out there because they didn’t have enough time to sleep and eat. Playing in Cleveland gives the Sox more rest. Plus Cleveland has good sausages. When David Ortiz goes out to dinner in Cleveland, he actually orders 14 sausages and a Fausto Carmona fastball for dessert.
Also, if the Red Sox get the #1 seed in the Playoffs, they have the first round choice of playing 5 games over 8 days, or playing 5 games over 7 days. What if the Sox could force the Yankees to play 5 games over 7 days and, on top of that, the Yanks had to fly to the West Coast to play the Angels? A tired and hungry Joba means a cranky Joba by the time the Sox and Yanks meet in the ALCS.
So when your head is spinning from too much first round match-up analysis, the best idea would be for you to just grab a snack and take a nap. That’s how I roll, and that’s how the Red Sox roll through the first round.
Bark at you later,
The Yankees suffered another crushing defeat at the hands of Tampa Bay last night after a 10th inning walk-off homer by Dioner Navarro. The loss delayed their entry into the postseason and moved them to 3 games off the pace in the AL East with 5 games to play. The fact is that the Devil Rays have been beating the Yanks all year, this win evening the season series to 8 and 8. Tim Wakefield has now beaten the Devil Rays more times this season than the Yankees have.
Joe Torre remarked after the game, “We just can’t win against these guys. [Tampa Bay manager] Joe Maddon keeps coming up with all these wild and crazy defensive schemes that keep beating us. Last night when A-Rod was up in the 9th and the game was tied, Maddon played 7 guys on the warning track and stole a double from us. I just hope we don’t happen to meet the Devil Rays in the playoffs”. That is if the Yankees make the playoffs. Even Roger Clemens scratched himself from the lineup last night because he was afraid of Carlos Pena.
On the other hand, the Red Sox collected an easy victory from Oakland and their bullpen remained rested. The Sox could clinch the East by Thursday. The Rays hope to continue their success against the Yanks tonight. If they don’t beat them, they are sure to at least wear them out some more.
The Red Sox just announced that Tim Russert is going to be the moderator for the President of Red Sox Nation debate. I happen to be a big Russert fan. I read his book Big Russ and Me about him and his dad, but being a cocker spaniel, I couldn’t really relate so I went back to reading Clifford the Big Red Dog. Russert is also a big Boston College fan like me. He has interviewed senators, presidents, and international heads of state, but I bet he’s never interviewed a dog! This should be fun. The debates will air on NESN on Friday 9/28 after the game.
Bark at you,
Like most dogs I know, I do everything with an excitement rarely seen in humans. I run hard every morning no matter if my paws are sore. I eat my bowl of kibbles in .7 seconds. I bark at the FedEx guy like I’m a 100-pound rottweiler. I even mark my territory so hard that I sometimes kill entire bushes. I want to see the Red Sox play like I do this week. I mean stuffed-duck thrashing, sofa bouncing, jumping like a Pogo-stick play.
I know the Sox have already clinched a playoff berth. Youkilis and Manny are hurting. Francona doesn’t want Papelbon and Okajima to throw out their arms. And some of Red Sox Nation is content going into the playoffs as the Wild Card. Not me, and not all the other Red Sox Nation dogs I know. I’m hungry for an AL East title and a piece of cheese. I want to beat the Yankees and their non-furry faces. I want to be the #1 seed and get home field advantage. I want to see Papelbon pumping his fist after saving the game that brings them the East. I want to see Manny and Youk hitting bombs. I want to see David Ortiz sliding head first into second trying to stretch a single into a double (actually no, that is going too far).
So let’s go Sox, take the East that you played hard for all year. And I promise I’ll cheer you on with that same enthusiasm.
Since I plan to run a democracy as President of Red Sox Nation, I asked the Nation for suggestions on what I should do with the lucky Yankee Stadium Squirrel that I captured last week. While most of the dogs of Red Sox Nation wanted to cook him up, their humans said that it would probably be best to release him after a stern talking to. Even Kevin Millar said that we should probably just let him go and hit the KFC drive-thru instead. So even though this critter looks mighty tasty, I have released him from his cage and he is free to leave Austin whenever he wants.
However, in return for me not eating him, the Stadium Squirrel has vowed to stop bringing good luck to the Yankees and to stop stealing signals from the right field foul pole. In fact, the squirrel was unable to resist my ability to convert Yankees fans into Red Sox fans, as evidenced in my President of Red Sox Nation application video.
I convinced the squirrel that no animal in their right mind would want to cheer for a team that is required to shave the fur off their face. The squirrel admitted that the only reason he was trying to help the Yankees was because the Yankees paid him in acorns, acorns that would be tough to come by in the NYC winter. I told him he should maybe chill here in Austin, where there’s no winter and it’s always like one billion degrees. In fact, I’d like him to stay here because we have become friends. Here are some pictures of the squirrel and I watching Animal Planet together and the squirrel telling me a funny joke.
So Yankees fans, your squirrel is safe and may be on his way back home soon. But don’t think that he will be helping you any more. And when you flash the Rally Squirrel on the scoreboard when you need some runs, it’s not going to work. In fact, it will only help the Red Sox. See you in the playoffs.
- The Yanks and Blue Jays must be tired.
- Do you think it’s better to go into the playoffs as the wild card but well rested, or to blow out your bullpen trying to win the division?
- Okajima is abidding by the "Joba Rules", while Joba is not.
- I’m so glad that Dale Jr. changed his number to 88. Now all I need to do is add another 8 to the tattoo on my butt.
- NASCAR makes my brother car sick.
- If Manny Ramirez was a NASCAR, they would just cut his oblique out and he would keep playing.
- OJ Simpson must be looking for material for a sequel to "If I Did It".
- I’m currently writing a book called "If I Stole That Cheese".
- I think I’m a better quarterback than Rex Grossman and I’m a 1-foot tall cocker spaniel with no thumbs.
- Maybe Grossman can be QB for Notre Dame.
- Who looks more unstoppable, Joba Chamberlain or Randy Moss?
- Julio Lugo is sneaky long.
Howl at you,
Please stop getting up the hopes of Yankees fans by flashing pictures of the Stadium Squirrel and the words "Rally Squirrel" on the scoreboard when the Yanks need some runs. It’s not working because your squirrel is gone. Have you seen him in the past few days? I’m willing to bet that you haven’t. I’ve seen him because he is in a cage on my deck. I have been hanging out with him a little. I rattle his cage, ask him how he wants to be cooked, and then we watch Animal Planet together. I was actually thinking about letting him go soon, but ever since I captured him the Red Sox have clinched a playoff berth, and the Yankees have been killing themselves and their bullpen and making no progress in the standings. And when you flash the "Rally Squirrel" (his real name is Henry, by the way) on the scoreboard when the Yanks need a rally, you are only making the fans love him more. And they will be that much more disappointed when I eat him.
Let’s check the Yankees’ record since I announced the capture of their lucky squirrel: 0-1. This is not a coincidence. In fact, the Yanks suffered a horribly demoralizing 14-inning lose last night in which they blew out their bullpen and used 8 pitchers. Joe Torre almost had to put the Stadium Squirrel in to pitch, that is if the squirrel had been available. But he wasn’t because he’s in a cage on my deck waiting to be eaten. And like Joba, the squirrel will not be available to pitch today either. Let’s face it, the Yanks are nothing without their lucky squirrel. I mean, even after the Patriots lost their spy, they still went on to crush the Chargers. The Yankees’ dependence on this squirrel goes much deeper than the squirrel stealing signs for them. The squirrel is their mascot, their good luck charm, the reason Jorge Posada is having a career year at age 63. Yankees- you might as well give up right now.
We all know that Red Sox baseball has always been about feasting. The Sox feast on the other team’s pitching, then they go into the clubhouse for the post-game feast. This is why I’ve finally compiled a dream team of the “greatest eaters” in the history of the Red Sox organization. For your pallet:
Catcher- Carlton Fisk (1969-1980) Why do you think they called him “Pudge?”
First Base- Mo Vaughn (1991-1998) Has a famous three-and-a-half pound meat and cheese sandwich named after him. The sandwich is used on the competitive eating circuit for training.
Second Base- Jerry Remy (1978-1984) Invented the delicious “RemDawg” hot dog.
Shortstop- Rabbit Warstler (1930-1933) Sure sounds tasty to me.
Third Base- Wade Boggs (1982-1992) Known for saying “I can eat more chicken than any man has ever seen."
Outfield- Kevin Millar (2003-2005) Most successful KFC spokesman in history.
Outfield- Babe Ruth (1914-1919) Probably could beat Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest.
Outfield- Carl Yastrzemski (1961-1983) Baked and endorsed magic “Yaz Bread” in 1967, bread led him to the Triple Crown.
Designated Hitter- David Ortiz (2003-present) – Reportedly ate 15 pork chops at a Miami restaurant in August.
Starting Pitcher- David Wells (2005-2006) He loves to eat critters he finds in the woods.
Middle Reliever- Rich Garces (1996-2002, 2005) My fellow Top 10 RSN presidential candidate, and bobble-belly promoter.
Closer- **** Radatz (1962-1966) How do you think “The Monster” got that big?
I wouldn’t try to steal this team’s lunch. Bark at me if anybody knows any major Red Sox eaters that I may have forgotten. Feasting is my favorite subject to write about, so I’d love to hear your comments.